Diane - heck yes i have! LOL! :-p i went to high school with them ... they ROCK! how do you know of them? :D (ps - we're talkin about Remedy Drive for anyone who is lost :-p)
big props for Casting Pearls - heard them on KLOVE today. it's about time! i tell ya, the NE music scene, Omaha and Lincoln, really is quality. i really do think we're the next Seatle, but anyway, it's nice to see such an awesome, talented, home-grown, Christian band make it - Remedy Drive, YOU'RE NEXT!
i blog when i'm lonely, LOL. tonight i got to go out with some really good friends, so that was awesome. we went to a Christian bookstore, took a spin in their new car and watched most of Spidey 2. and caught up about JEFFREY and life in general! :D it was good. a lot of fun. i needed it.
jeffrey is still gone on his dive trip. last night he was having a blast and today he said he had a good time, so i hope that holds true for the rest of the trip, which isn't that long. i can't wait to hear all the details! and see the pics!
it's been hard ADJUSTING to being back "home" (LOL NOTE QUOTE MARKS :P) in Omaha. mainly because i had the time of my LIFE with jeffrey, and after you have something like that, you just never want that time to end. EVERY DAY with jeffrey is WONDERFUL, even when we're not in person, but it's like for several days we woke each other up and ate together and drove together and goofed off together and snuggled together and kissed each other goodnight and all these wonderful things ... and it's hard after that to go back to waiting for that time to come again. but he'll be back NEXT MONTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ! a lot of military wives/gfs/fiancees can't say that about their guys - i am VERY blessed! and i keep reminding myself that God works ALL things together for the good of those who love Him. it seems CRAZY - like how can jeffrey getting delayed in a sand storm be good for him and me and his family? how can me having to go back to Omaha on Friday be good for me and him? but GOD is just that AWESOME and HUGE and POWERFUL and LOVING ... so beyond us! He can use ANYTHING for our good. so as hard as it is to adjust back to not havin my babe by my side every moment LOL, I just have to give it to God and keep lookin ahead and pressin forward ... "keep my eyes on the prize" ...
but boy do i miss jeffrey. i lost it a couple times today, lol. like majorly lost it. i need to pray for strength. i miss him so much, and really i have it good cuz until june 30th i'll be able to talk to jeffrey more than when he is back in Iraq/Kuwait, probably, but yeah ...
anyway God will carry us through for sure ... this will just be another learning and growing time for me ... as hard as it is, just another sign of what a "God thing" this relationship is.
well, i need to do a few things then i should head to bed soon cuz church is at 10 am tomorrow. it was so weird the week or so leading up to jeffrey leading ... he wasn't on much cuz he had to study, so i had no one to buzz me awake all night on Yahoo! LOL! and then he left and of course he couldn't buzz me ... then i went to the Bapst's and he was still gone and he couldn't buzz me ... then he was THERE and we stayed up LATE and there was no NEED for him to buzz me cuz we were RIGHT THERE!!!!! :D! i miss being buzzed in the middle of the night, LOL, but i will take him being HOME and SAFE ANY DAY over being buzzed in the middle of the night, LOL!
ok, this has been a lovely attempted vacation from the akwardness of being back. time for reality again ...
Jeffrey i love you. you're always in my heart.
an attempt to put words to some inexpressable things ...
i'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaac k ... and i SO wish i wasn't. lol. i don't even know where to begin, except that I LOVE JEFFREY JOSPEH BAPST JUNIOR and i always, ALWAYS will.
it always bothered me when people were like, "oh, so you're going to meet Jeffrey, huh?" because it was NEVER a matter of meeting. we met a long time ago. before we saw each other in person, we knew each other inside and out, better than anyone else ... the lil things, the big things, the interests, the secrets, the mannerisms, just, SO many things. so it was never a matter of meeting. and i want to say it's impossible to get to know each other better, but at the same time we always do seem to get to know each other better. it's one of those paradoxical things - like how i love him SO MUCH and couldn't possibly love him more, yet I love him more and more every day. who said love was logical? it's actually very illogical, if you go by the world's "wisdom". and that is what makes it possibly the closet thing to heaven we'll find on earth.
i always thought when i saw him for the first time, i'd run and jump on him, but i didn't want to steal his moment with his family and i was shaking sooooooooooo much, LOL. NOT from being nervous, but i was just excited and completely overwhelmed, in a fully wonderful way. it was so incredible, because i KNEW it would be ... there would be no akwardnes, no like, period of getting to know each other ... it would just be ... there were are. you know? i KNEW it would be like that, what a duh! i KNEW he'd be wonderful because i know him SO WELL! and yet just to see everything with my own eyes ... it was never EVER necessary, but SUCH a blessing. to see who and what you've believed in for SUCH a long time ... like the reward of having faith, not like i needed a reward LOL and not like he hadn't shown me his LOVE in a ZILLION ways before ... not like i needed proof ... oh i just don't have the words!!!! it's just impossible to put into words, JEFFREY is impossible to put into words, God's GOODNESS is impossible to put into words.
i feel like i'm still the same person i was before we saw each other in person, and my life is still the same, but yet i feel so different and that my life has changed so much. Jeffrey changed my life six months ago when we met FOR THE BEST, and he CHANGED MY LIFE AGAIN THIS WEEK. he's ALWAYS changing it and making it more WONDERFUL than before! i really didn't think life could get this good, at all ... but it has ... praise GOD!!!!!!!!
it was like the whole time i was with him, there was just this HUGE, overwhemling sense of "THIS IS MY OTHER HALF. THIS IS WHO I'M SUPPOSED TO BE WITH. I'M *HOME*" and i KNEW that and FELT that BEFORE ... all the time ... but he is just incredible. i love Jeffrey with my whole heart ... and leaving at the airport hurt so deeply. i don't think anything has ever hurt more in my entire life, but it's not even a QUESTION of being "worth it" or something ... and like Jeffrey said, I'm in his heart and he's in mine, and NEXT MONTH HE COMES HOME AND I'LL BE MOVIN TO COS TO BE WITH HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
the waiting is so hard ... when you find the most beautiful thing in your life, the thing that lights up your days and makes your world turn, you don't want to ever let go. but we only let go physically, and though physicality is wonderful, what we have is so much deeper, always has been and always will be.
still, i can't WAIT to be in his arms again. it's just a constant longing. i just have to pray and give it to God, pray that He'd fillt he void and give me His peace and joy, and cause me to praise Him, because i have SO MANY REASONS TO! and pray that He does the same for Jeffrey, and gives Jeffrey WONDERFUL days while we're away and that we can be in each other's arms again soon ...
well i just attempted to put words to some completely inexpressable things. more later.
well i am at the Bapst's house and i'm havin an AWESOME time!!!!! i CAN'T WAIT for JEFFREY to get hereeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee e!!!!! i should go take a shower and then start to decorate lil things for jeffrey's room or something, LOL ...
well, it's 1:10 am. i leave for the airport in 4 hours and 25 minutes. i need to get up in like 3 hours and 20 minutes. my plane takes off in about 6 hours and 20 minutes. i should be in St. Louis with Jeffrey's parents in about 10 hours!!!!!!!! i need to get some sleep, lol ...
HOPEFULLY JEFFREY WILL GET IN MONDAY, AKA TOMORROW!!!!!! EVERYONE CROSS YOUR FINGERS FOR MONDAY, OTAY!??! :D!!!!!!!
near the beginning of our relationship, Jeffrey wrote in his blog that when he talked to me, his "heart felt indescribeable" ... and i COMPLETELY knew what he was talkin about cuz it was COMPLETELY mutual. it's ALWAYS been like that ... no matter how ordinary days can be ... there's just ... something about having Jeffrey that adds sunshine to my life, and a TON of sunshine at that. he IS my sunshine and it's so WONDERFUL to know that i'm with the one God has made for me!!!! what a PERFECT FIT!!!!!!!!!!!! but the day before i see Jeffrey, and as usual i just can't find the right words ... but if mere words will have to suffice, then may i just say ...
that thinking of the fact that we should be in each other's arms TOMORROW ... and we should get to see each other face to face TOMORROW ... and tell each other we love each other face to face TOMORROW ...
i am in an absolutely crazy state, lol. i want to sleep sooooooooo bad cuz it will make the time pass faster, yet there is SOOOOOOOO much to do! a friend called tonight and asked me how i was doing. she said "i bet you can't even eat!" i said, "oh, i've been eating, but i'm just about to pee my pants!!!!!!" we were referring to how EXCITED i am to see Jeffrey, and the word EXCITED TRULY DOESN'T EVEN BEGIN TO COVER IT.
it really is the most exciting time i've ever had in my life so far, and i'm sure there will be more exciting times, like when we get married, have kids, etc but this is the best YET. i just ... i feel like i've had like 24 THOUSAND ZILLION BOTTLES OF MOUNTAIN DEW ... yet i haven't had caffine in forever, LOL. what to do!? pack? bake? finish lil surprises? sleep? i dunno!!! lol. i don't have much time though. it's almost midnight SATURDAY ... which means HOLY COW I LEAVE TOMORROW!!!!!!!!! :D!!! i work 9 - 10 am at BB. 10 - 11 am i'm running to the mall to exchange a dress and hopefully find THE perfect one. 11 - 5 i work at EB. then i have to wake up all of 12 hours later to get ready to go to the airport ... so that's all the time i have left to finish planning lil surprises, pack, etc! i'm trying not to make things too complicated, cuz that wouldn't be good anyway. :P that's a tendency though, lol.
and in all this rush i CANNOT forget God, which is why, however late i stay up tonight, i'm going to have some God time after i finish this. i just CANNOT let myself get so busy that i forget Him and having time in His Word. just because ... because He is GOD ... because He has been so merciful to me ... and i shouldn't say especially because, but especially because it would be ... just beyond wrong ... if i got so caught up in the excitement of this wonderful thing HE HAS CREATED that i didn't give time to Him.
really - it's the most beautiful love story ever. i hope everyone's love story is the most beautiful love story ever to them. but if i were the one who had planned it out, when i was most desperate, say, first semester of my freshman year at college ... to think what i would have settled for and done just to have someone. all those lonely nights and mornings i wished i didn't wake up. all those times in high school i cried and begged God to put me back together with someone ... that song "someone of God's greatest gift's are unanswered prayers" ... well God answers EVERY prayer ... but God ALWAYS knows best. this relationship with Jeffrey has just been, and will continue to be, SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO full of REAL LOVE and patience and grace and AMAZING, AMAZING things ... it's like NOTHING i've EVER known before ... and there is no questioning, not even an ounce. this is it. he is the one. i'm so secure - but best yet my security is in Christ. two people, left to themselves without God, cannot love each other and be there for each other the way two married people should be. we both have to rely on Him ... and i just rely on Christ, knowing He is the glue that keeps us together, and that every good and every perfect gift comes from above - that every wonderful thing is just a SMALL, SMALL FRACTION of His goodness and love and mercy ...
my babe is en route right now!!!!!!!!!! i pray it's fast and relaxing for him ... that he gets back SOON ... so we can make the most of our week! ANYTHING with him will just be AMAZING ... watching TV and eating cereal or tearing up the countryside lol ... i don't care as long as i'm with him ...
it will be the most AMAZING thing to be in his arms ... i daydream about it so much, and yet i truly can't even fathom how WONDERFUL it will be ...
i'm wired. i'll admit it. i'm just ... giddy and crazy ... LOL ... i don't know how i'm even going to sleep!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! :D!!!!!!!!!!!!
ok, i should go ... have God time and either sleep and wake up early ... or stay up and sleep in a LIL bit ...
i really am blessed with some very awesome jobs, and some very awesome people to work with. i am so grateful for that, but more than that just the chance to earn money so i can go to COS to be with the ONE i love most ...
at the same time it tears me apart to miss jeffrey while i'm at work. i hate how there are so many times i can't be there for him ... and there are other times i can't be there for him because he's out on a mission or can't get online or to the phones, etc but it just feels like the times i miss him when i'm at work - it feels like those were IN my control, which makes it harder.
so i just gotta trust God and pray for J so much ... know he is in VERY wonderfully capable hands, and anything "good" i'd be able to do for him anyway would be through GOD alone ...
i just pray He uses me in his life. and i wish i could be there all the time.
lessons in faith and trust and patience and love and all sorts of wonderful things ...
i have a feeling this week is going to be a VERY LONG week. lol. i sure hope not, but at the moment it's 11:56 am cst Monday and you know that new Better Than Ezra song that says "three and a half minutes felt like a lifetime"? Well, i'd say every MINUTE feels like a lifetime. must be patient!!! lol. jeffrey goes before the board in three days and leaves in five. i leave in six. we should be together in seven or eight. probably eight i think. that is AMAZING. AMAZING AMAZING AMAZING!
it will be perfect timing too. i mean, any time is the perfect time to see jeffrey, lol, but it will come right at the end of a stretch of conflicting schedules and yeah ... never before have i needed to be in his arms so much.
i feel like i'm gonna burst! gosh, i need to pray for patience, lol! there are periods of time where it's just like every heartbeat is another reminder that i miss him so much ... which is wonderful ... i just wish we could be right there by each other. soon.
i work from two to nine tonight. EB from two to six, and OPM from six to nine. i may go to a mall and look for a dress after that - not sure yet. we'll see. i need to get a dress before i go, one i can actually wear somewhere. LOL. last week i got this STUNNINGLY BEAUITFUL dress at Von Maur for $23 - it was $234 originally. they are SO PRICEY but their clearence is phenomenal! but, alas, you could get MARRIED in this thing, lol ... it's not really a cocktail dress. :P
i started packing last night. well, i started packing like two or three weekends ago, when jeffrey called to tell me that he was COMING HOME FOR RNR!!!!!! but i've been sifting through again and trying to plan outfits and such. i know jeffrey would love me in anything i'll wear, but it's something for me to do. like i don't already have enough to do. :P
so anyway, it should be a long afternoon/evening today, but no complaining, seriously. though i still am a HUGE whiner and overreactor, i seriously have been better lately. jeffrey helps me put things in perspective, and he doesn't even know it half the time i don't think! isn't it wonderful the effect someone can have on another without even knowing it? i think i try too hard sometimes ... and really anything good is from God a and not me, you know? anyway ... during these long stretches of work a lot of times i get so caught up in everything i have to do that the time flys and i pray when i can during that, you know, but i really hope it's a busy day at work today so these hours will just fly ...
well i better get going. i need to get ready for work and have some God time before i leave ... and try not to pass out from longing too much. HA! :P
Jeffrey if you're reading this, and even if you're not, lol ... I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
erin
PS - these days finding out that i'm driving behind an IL liscense plate just MAKES MY DAY, lol, but i was driving to work the other day and found out i was driving behind a car with an IL lp, AND a COLORADO AAA STICKER!!!!!!!!! i just beamed ... LOL ... what a dork i am.
"I'm lifting you up I'm letting you down I'm dancing til dawn I'm fooling around I'm not giving up I'm making your love This city's made us crazy and we must get out ..."
Thank you, Maroon 5. And thank YOU, Bath and Body Works and Eddie Bauer, for playin this song over and over! No thanks, however, for weavin awesome songs by John Mayer, Better than Ezra, and Maroon 5 in with weird oldies, irish jigs and techo ballads. Those don't help sales - they just scare people outta the store! :P
Hey yall! Well, I leave a WEEK FROM SUNDAY to fly to IL! I am SO EXCITED ... like more excited than I've ever, ever been before! That's like, 9 days!!! If J gets to leave on the 10th, I guess he could be in later that day ... hopefully his trip is VERY fast! :D I'm lookin forward to hangin out with his family too though, def., that will be AWESOME, but as always, fast is good!!!
It's gonna be the best day of my life!!! I say that, but as sappy as it sounds, every day is the best day of my life, cuz it just keeps gettin better with J. That is so paradoxical, because really there is no way to improve on our relationship - it's just WONDERFUL, period - but every day is more wonderful than the last even though that's impossible. LOL! Lately, between my work sched and his, well, work sched (though if we both work, then his work should be in caps, so it should be his WORK sched and my work sched, lol), we haven't been able to talk much, but that's how it goes! I miss him SO MUCH, but it DEF. helps knowin that he's studyin to GO BEFORE THE BOARD ON THE 9TH (hooray for that again!) and then he leaves the 10th or the 11th to come home!!! But there will be other BEST DAYS OF MY LIFE ... like the day we get married ... the day our kids are born ... haha! Let's face it - every day will be another best day!!! But the day I see him face to face will definitely stand out!!!!!!!! He seems to think he's going to find me first, but I don't see how that is possible, being that I will be at the gate. But I'm sure he's got the whole "bein stealth" thing down, LOL ... well whoever finds whoever first, we'll have to like pretend the other can find the other first ... haha ... it will be AMAZING!!!!!! Like I don't have words for how amazing it will be!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!
In other news, I've been workin at Eddie Bauer and Bath and Body Works, both PT, tryin to save up money to go to COS in the fall to be with J! I also got an evening job at a mortgage company, and I'm workin on some freelance writing jobs too. Lately I've been puttin new resumes on SpringsJobs.com, Yahoo! HotJobs, Monster, Interchristo, etc ... and soon I'll have to start lookin for apartments. I'll be takin Metro online classes for two semesters, just to keep the cost down and figure out what I wanna do as far as a degree - I'm almost done with my AA, and will def. finish it by the end of this academic year by just takin like 3 classes each semester and CLEP'in out of a couple of classes. I was ahead, and 3 will be FT, so it works out nicely. "Career"/"Academically", I'm lookin forward to the time to work and focus on that more and just kinda figure out what God wants me to do as far as a job. And I must say, after spendin a year at USD, I'm NOT, by ANY MEANS, a fan of the traditional college experience. It's just not for me. If you don't care to spend your EVERY minute studying and involved with the campus, or your EVERY minute partying, then why be there? It's like takin a vacation from your life for 4 years. It's ANYTHING but the real world, and I just think it's silly.
So anyway, when I'm not workin I'm usually talkin to J, sleepin, watchin a lil TV (yes, ah, terrible! I like my like 9 pm cst Law & Orderish shows, at least to have on in the background), or havin God time, I'm usually tryin to plan things for COS ... or something related to work to try to get more hours, lol ...
All goes back to those lyrics I posted shortly after meeting J ... Forget the "crossing the line" part, that sounds bad haha ...
"I've waited all my life to cross this line to the only thing that's true. So I will not hide, it's time to try anything to be with you. All my life I've waited - this is true." - True, Ryan Cabrera
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him,whohave been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28
"Turn the page. Can't turn the light out. Every word, every line Carries to my soul. Dark letters on a page Singing so loud. Where did I go wrong Not to hear You?
Eighteen years, I guess it was all right. I let You do the thinking, I'd just bide my time. Father to son Sunday hand-me-down. Where did I go wrong Not to hear Your song?
It's a beautiful sound Moving through the crowd. Voices lifted up On high for You.
It's a beautiful song. We've only just begun to understand. Rediscovering You.
To have found You, and still be looking for You, It's "the soul's paradox of love." You fill my cup, I lift it up for more. I won't stop now that I'm free. I'll be chasing You Like You chase me.
It's a beautiful sound Moving through the crowd. Voices lifted up On high for You.
It's a beautiful song. We've only just begun to understand. Rediscovering You.
Oh, something so beautiful.
Something tells me it's all right. You know it's gonna be all right."
