Tell me you've had trouble sleeping That you toss and turn from side to side That it's my face you've been seeing In your dreams at night
Tell me that you wake up crying And you're not sure exactly why Tell me that something is missing In your life, in your life baby
Tell me that you live for love That forever is never enough That you've waited all your life to see That you want so badly to believe Tell me that it's not just me
I could have sworn I saw you smile at me Standing in the poring rain At a loss for words and running out of time I said this crazy thing crazy thing, I said
Tell me that you live for love That forever is never enough That you've waited all your life to see That you want so badly to believe Tell me that it's not just me
Hold me now and tell me that you do believe In a soul, a soul mate And tell me, and tell me, tell me
Tell me that you live for love That forever is never enough That you've waited all your life to see That you want so badly to believe Tell me that it's not just me
Now it's time for Erin's State of the Campus Address:
Alright, more of a rant.
You know all is wrong with your campus when:
1) Valentines Day week suddenly turns into "Sexual Responsibility" Week, with free condoms for all! Right ... ok let me get this straight ... sexual responsbility = acting on an impulse? Mmmhmm. Ok. So if you're going to hand condoms out, would you please also hand out EPTs? Because I think that would be a little more fitting. Just a suggestion. Thanks. Not that sex is a bad thing, and not that pregnancy is a bad thing - they're all super - inside a marriage! I just think it would be a bit of a damper, and a fitting one at that, to the "excitement" of the whole free condoms thing if they handed out notes that said, "Oh by the way, this can break" along with an EPT, because generally if someone is having sex outside of marriage, they're not trying to get pregnant.
2) Campus Ministry activities for the week include a roundtable DEBATE on gay marriage (discuss what you like, as long as you realize THERE ARE MORAL ABSOLUTES SET FORTH BY GOD, THANK YOU), and a co-sponsorship of "Vagina Days" (complete with a public viewing of "The Vagina Monologues") with the local womanists organization.
*pulls all her hair out*
Gosh but if I'm going to complain I have to do something, right? But what?
this will probably be short because i need to get to bed, but i NEED to say this: TODAY WAS THE BEST VALENTINES DAY I HAVE EVER HAD.
it was the best VDay ever for many reasons:
1) God has blessed my life with Jeff. period. number one reason
2) Jeff's voice was the first thing i heard this morning, well, next to the ringing of the phone! i got to talk to him online a lot and he called FOUR TIMES! how wonderful is that?!
3) Jeff completely spoiled me. everyone around here is so jealous, lol! he got me this just ... absolutely beautiful, wonderful, breath-taking boquet of 18 roses ... pink, red, yellow, orange ... they're just goregous. and best yet? they have meaning! :D he also got me this cute, wonderful puppy that says "i love you!" when you squeeze it! i named it Jeffrey, lol! :)
like i said, just HAVING Jeff in my life made today, and makes every day, the best ever ... but all the other things were just icing on the cake today! Jeffrey Bapst you really know how to spoil a girl. ;) but i honestly mean it when i say i'm spoiled every day by just having you in my life.
4) Liz got me the sweetest card and a balloon! it was so awesome of her!
5) Terri sent me a CD FULL of pics of Jeffrey ... it's SO AWESOME! i haven't had time to ge through it all, but i can't wait to ... and she made me a Spiderman purse! NO WAY! it rocks so seriously! lol.
6) i got to talk to Terri and Liz on the phone! that was so much fun!
7) it was GORGEOUS today ... like 50 degrees. beautiful day. i took a lil bit of a drive in the country too. ;)
8) i got to see the Straw family today!
9) everything went smoothly
Today was just picture perfect, and I will never forget it. As great as it was, though, I'm still looking forward to tomorrow, and every other day after that, to see what God has in store for my life, and Jeffrey's life, and to just be his girl another day.
Today something hit me like it has never, ever hit me before (and it had nothing to do with the wonderful gifts, either, even though they were so special!):
Happy Valentines Day to everyone, but especially Jeffrey! :)
Love you SOmuch, Jeff! Just the fact that I have you makes this my best VDay EVER!
can't get enough of this ...
1 Corinthians 13
Love
1If I speak in the tongues[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,[b] but have not love, I gain nothing. 4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not selfseeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. 13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
my blog entries have been more random lately, but that's alright! sometimes i feel bad if they're not like, absolutely FILLED with scripture, but that's the way it goes ... just because we're not always thinkin about scripture, etc doesn't mean we can't be applying it/be pleasing to God, i think, though it is my aim and my prayer that my thoughts and words are pleasing to Him and edifying to others! what a huge request! but it's for His glory ... so i'm confident (and lol i'm such a sorry person that i have to pray for Him to give me that confidence, but i'm just human!) that He is working in me to accomplish that. wait expectantly for Him to answer your prayers, and be open to whatever His answer is - that's what i'm learning! it's tough! sometimes it feels paradoxal and uncomfortable to wait on Him. after all, it goes against every fiber in our sinful beings; it goes against our rebellious human nature. WE want to be in charge. WE want to be in control. WE want OUR way or the highway. WE want to be the captain of our own destinies.
the previous phrase always reminds me of a poem, left by Oklahoma City Bomber Timothy McVeigh as his final statement before execution ... these were the final words of a guilty man about to take his last breath:
Invictus (Latin: "inconquerable")
by William Ernest Henley
Out of the night that covers me, Black as the Pit from pole to pole, I thank whatever gods may be For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance I have not winced nor cried aloud. Under the bludgeonings of chance My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears Looms but the Horror of the shade, And yet the menace of the years Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate, How charged with punishments the scroll, I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.
What terribly haughty, prideful, arrogant words from a mere man ... no less a man so close to death. We should all see ourselves as the "cheif of sinners" - my sin is much worse than his, and ALL sin is detestable to God - and in all reality this is the sinful cry of our hearts when we want it OUR way, not HIS way, despite the fact that He has HIS glory and OUR good in mind. We see others throw fits against God and His leading and we grimmace at their sin and arrogance, but, as with all our personal, favorite pet sins, they never seem so awful when we commit them ourselves.
Praying that something would be God's will, but for strength to accept whatever IS His Will is alright. Demanding your way - accepting nothing less than your way is not alright.
Worrying and fearing when we have so great a hope is sinful. These worries and fears stem from the insecurities that arise when we realize life may, or may not turn out the way we had exactly imagined and wished for. This is the apex of ungratefulness at best, treason and desertion at worst. Worry and fear are issues I struggle with, but He is teaching me to give it to Him, and to wait for His will on His timing. And how I receive confi rmation of His will? I'm not exactly sure yet, but I will wait for His lesson on that also.
He is also showing me more and more every day (through many things, but a lot of this has been through Jeffrey, which is awesome!) that we live in a world filled with illusions. At many of Remedy's concerts (local Christian band), they talk about about we rebelled against God, were thrown out of Eden and so we created our own paradise, only, as we do, it will always fall terribly short. But we mask that realization with self confidence, sex, alcohol, and many other vices until we live in blind "bliss" ... only to either 1) die in our arrogance and wake up in hell or 2) have our eyes painfully pried open by a gracious and loving God.
the world will tell you the ultimate love in all about pleasure. it's all about what YOU get out of the deal, and since it's all about you - take ANY and EVERYTHING you desire. don't hold back. if you think about it, the world's version of love centers solely around the desires of the flesh: whatever eases its mind and pleases its body. this, to the world, is the highest form of love. this is only one of the many dillusions the world feeds us every day.
but what is the greatest love?
"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." John 15:13
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:!6
the greatest of human loves will, for now, only be a faint shadow of His love for us, but, nonetheless the greatest of human loves will parallel this love.
so, in reality, the highest form of love we're able to give concerns itself first and foremost with God's will and the good of the other peron's soul.
this is a tough realization. it even hurts, sometimes, because we realize that if we want to love with this love, we have to put to death our own desires, pick up our crosses and follow Him.
then comes the fear and the worry ...
and then i just have to realize that His will WILL be done ... i can fight it or i can pray for it and accept it because HE is what life is all about. AMEN!
well, frankly i had a lot of random things to say, but i don't really remember them anymore! i'll probably write more tonight when i get back to USD ...
Anyway ... just sittin here on my mom's comp in Omaha. Just got done talkin to Jeff (timing was a God-send!) for over an hour, which was wonderful, and posted my creative writing assignment in the online classroom. I like the poetry unit much better than I like the short story unit, and I'm sure I'll like this unit much better than the unit where we have to write a play! Yuck! lol. Oh well ... at least I have the opportunity to get an education! Now if I could only figure out if there is where God wants me to finish my education. All in His will and His timing ...
So, walking back from Ideas in History the other day I got to thinking about my addiction to lip balm and lip gloss. And yes, this is going to be a very shallow, silly entry but that is OK. I don't like lip stick. Why? I heard a long time ago that they make it with whale scales or something, LOL, and from the way it makes my lips feel, I wouldn't doubt it. It gets cakey. It wears off from EVERYWHERE from the corner of your lips. And if you mess up while putting it on, it doesn't come off very well. Plus it drys your lips out.
But lip blam and lip gloss, on the other hand ... now we're talkin. I've always been addicted to those Bonne Belle lip glosses ... right now I only have Holiday Mixed Berry or something, but not too long ago I had Dr. Pepper (the best!) and Pink Sugar Cookie. I gave the latter to my sister and the former was stolen by my *FIRST SEMESTER* roomie - not Liz! lol Liz is the best roomie in the world, and if she ever wanted somethin of mine, she could just have it! I'm sure I owe it to her anyway for bein such a sweetie! :) Anyway ... so right now in my purse I have pink super natural lip gel ... double-wand my little pony lip gloss (one side is swirled pink and orange and the other is a lighter pink), cherry cola light pink and brown swirl lip gloss, the bonne bell, sparkly red lip gloss in a squeeze-out tube, sparkly blue lip gloss in a squeeze-out tube, and chocolate doughnut lipbalm - enough to last me through a nuclear holocaust! lol. I just can't go without something on my lips ... I'd go crazy! Did you know you if you brush your lips after you brush your teeth it exfoliates them?? It's true ...
Ok well if you can't tell I'm really, really tired and need my sleep, LOL. I hope you've been entertained ... don't ask me about this later ... just forget I even wrote this, LOL ...
"Don't be deceived, my dear brothers. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavnely lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all He created." James 1:16-18
That verse has been going through my head a lot lately. Why? Well, God has blessed be immensly lately ... but then again He always is, and usually just don't stop to recognize it and thank Him. Oh, that my eyes would be opened to so many things ... to my sin, to His goodness and mercy ... all of these things that are so present in my life. That I would hate my sin and love His will and praise Him always.
Anyway, the verse makes a very, very important point: anything good in this life is a gift from Him, a small reflection of his amazingly huge and wonderful love. It's nothing we deserve. Its nothing we conjured up and gave, or was conjured up and given to us. It's all from Him - our ultimate hope, joy and salvation, "who does not change like shifting shadows."
Life is about God, not about us - and God is good!!! He is so above us - His nature necessitates that He is good and merciful, but to this extent?! But afterall, I suppose, He IS goodness and He IS mercy.
I pray I never take that for granted.
Well, I really, really REALLY did not want to put another entry over the last, lol, because it's truly how i feel, but what could be more important than saying how great God is?!
Things I have been very thankful lately (too little, but still ...)
1) Christ and His work on the cross
2) God bringing Jeff into my life
3) Finding a really good church that is hopefully "the one" with a very humble preacher and some awesome worship!
4) Snowflakes!
5) Just actually waking up every morning ... "His mercies are new every morning ..."
6) The beautiful days we had last week
7) Stars (especially the lefter-most one in Orion's belt, LOL.)
The list is pitifully small, but I pray that He'll open my eyes more to what I should be thankful for ...
I was walking to class today while it was snowing, and the snowflakes were just right today ... I looked over at my hood and saw them collecting, only this time you could see every little crystal and perfect pattern. And they're so small! It was seriously breathtaking, and I use that word in the fullest sense. I can remember very few things in my life being literally breathtaki ng, but that is one of them. Several of the others occasions have occured more recently, lol.
***You know you are a very, very, very, very, VERY blessed girl when the one God has given you calls you at 5 am your time because he knows you wanted so badly to hear his voice and to pray with him and that was the only time that would work out to call. You know you're blessed when some of the first words out of his mouth are "good mornin' beautiful" (that's what they were, right, Jeff? lol i was groggy!) and he talks to you and prays with you just long enough to make you happy before he tells you that you need your sleep because he knows you were up late ...
Wow, how do you follow up that?!?! LOL. Perhaps with the lyrics to this song ...
Good Hearted Man Tift Merrit
I swore that I was living free. Oh, you couldn't talk to me, And the pride that kept me, didn't want no company. Early morning subway train, Feeling lost and running late, Well, he held the car, and he gave his seat to me.
I can't find nothing feels so fine as loving A good hearted man. He can soothe me, free me, oh I'm gonna marry That good hearted man.
I told him that he'd better go 'Cause I was crazy and impossible, That my love was broken, my dreams had run off wild. But patient as the easy rain, He never turned away, Calling, "Hey sweet woman, you know you're not a child."
There just ain't nothing feels so fine as loving A good hearted man. He can soothe me, free me, oh I'm gonna marry That good hearted man.
Good hearted man, now the night makes sense, Because your tenderness is sheltering me.
So I'm trading in that hothead kid For a woman I can give to him. It ain't easy, but I'm gonna do the best I can For that good hearted man.
There just ain't nothing feels so fine as loving A good hearted man. He can soothe me, free me, oh I'm gonna marry That good hearted man. And I'm grateful, got to say thank you To a good hearted man.
once in a very, very blue moon God brings people into our lives, and uses these people to completely change our lives for the better. He always does this in spite of us, and not because of anything we've done or anything we deserve - because we're sinners, and we deserve nothing.
God sent me Jeff, and i feel like my life is so changed, so different, so much more enriched. He sent Jeff at a time where i needed encouraging in my walk with Him, when i'd "learned" to "make it on my own" ... but really didn't realize that God was the one sustaining me. He sent me Jeff when i'd given up on love. i remember one of the blog entries i wrote around the time i met Jeff (before i got to know him) was "why do i even try???" and i don't think he knew it then, but the statement was relating to relationships ... and Jeff said something to the effect of "you try because you can't really live life without taking risks ..."
and then God opened a door.
it's amazing to see how swiftly things have developed between us. but God has done so much through Jeff in my life. never in my life have i been so truly happy. this relationship, because of the distance, may be one of the hardest things i've ever done, but it's also the most rewarding, fulfulling and worthwhile. never in my life have i prayed so much ... sought God's Will so fervently ... realized i was so dependent on God ... never have i so longed to become a woman of God ... and a million other similar, wonderful things. also important but under that, never have i worked so hard to get my health under control ... i've never felt so loved, wanted, and special ... i've never had so much confidence ...
God has taken Jeff and i through hard times and easy times. i know there are far happier times to come, and far harder times to come. that is life, and that is love. i pray each day that if this is not God's Will, that God would not allow it to continue, that He would stop blessing this relationship ... and if He does so, amen. the Lord gives and the Lord takes away - blessed be the name of the Lord. life is about GOD and HIS GLORY, and not about us. but so far He has continued to bless this relationship in incredible ways, and though my first desire is for His will, i believe this is His will (though i'm still seeking confirmation) and under God's will, i want nothing more than to spend the rest of my days with Jeff.
Jeff Bapst, I love you. I pray every day that our relationship honors and brings glory to Him ... that, by His grace, our love could be an example to others, that I would come closer to loving you the way He loves you ... that He would prepare you for His will for your life, and continually mold you more and more into a man after His heart ... and that, if it is His will, he would lavish this relationship with grace and mercy and wisdom and forgiveness and true love. Lord willing, i will be here through the good times AND the bad, until my last breath ...
1 Corinthians 13
Love
1If I speak in the tongues[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not selfseeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
