Here I am, back in Verm town. This morning I woke up thinking I'd head back here at 5 or 6 am tomorrow to hit my 6 am class, but here I am, back at 11 p.m., when I had planned to hit the sack in my nice, squishy, roomy, warm waterbed. It's a bunkbed tonight.

Break was excellent. I saw my old newspaper teacher, ate lunch with my old Latin teacher, saw grandma a few times, hung out with my sis while the parents were in Oklahoma, watched movies with my dad and sister, went out to eat some, watched a movie with Rich, had a dinner party, slept in some, etc. This morning I went to church @ Covenant with the Phillippis, and I actually really liked the church/sermon. It'll take a few more times of going there to make a decision, and the sad thing is that I'm not back in Omaha all that much anyways, but it was tons of fun being with them and going out to eat with them and all that. It was the best Sunday I've had in about a year.

Things were so incredibly different a year ago. It's mind boggling. Makes me wonder what's in store for the next year ... will it be so incredibly different from where I am now? I hope so. I'm so blessed, and I don't realize how blessed I am, but there are so many things I wish would change.

So anyways, mom and dad heard snow was coming in tonight, and if I headed out tomorrow morning, the roads would probably be super icy. It was a lil tough coming back, but I was on the road by about 4 p.m. While I was unpacking, I was watching Fox News and on their national weather report they mentioned the snow in Omaha and called I-80 "Ice 80" and mentioned snow delays on I-29 also ... funny to hear the only two interstates it takes to get from Omaha to here mentioned on a weather report like that ... so anyways, it was probably good that I headed back early, saftey wise. It's snowing out ... I don't think we were initially supposed to get any snow, but we're going to get about an inch, I think. It's slick out, that's for sure.

Well, I want to write about this morning's sermon and some other stuff, but it's after 11 p.m. and I had hoped to actually be in bed by about 10:30. I have to wake up early tomorrow and get my ducks in a row for the next 3 weeks before Jack's class, and then, by the grace of God, implement that plan. I have soooooooo much to do to pull off what I need to pull off ... No more time for delaying, that's for sure.

Like I heard on some song on the Core's Christian Sunday night show tonight, my ability will get me no where, but through my fragility God can be glorified.

If I'm getting myself no where, why is it so hard to "hand over the keys?"

I'm only fooling myself anyways.

19 days 'till Omaha ...

Wonderful, yet scary. WAYYYY too much to do in that amount of time.

Must be up by 6 a.m. tomorrow.

Gotta go.

It was good to sing praise songs again this morning.

If you're reading this and I know you, I bet I miss you.

love,

erin

well, i'm home. got home about 10 pm last night. yesterday pretty much sucked, but i'm thankful i got through it. crazy bad low, crazy bad high and a crazy bad speeding ticket. urgh.

when i first got home, i was ready just to turn around. mom was ticked, and she really struggles to make time for people who aren't her friends. i think she got so caught up in other things she forgot about the speeding ticket, though, so that helped the situation. why should they be mad? i'm a legal adult and they don't have to pay a dime of it. supposedly i'm still going to get a "lecture" when my dad comes home tonight. yeah, right. what gives? that's idiotic.

so being removed from Omaha, i'm removed from the news that goes on around here. living in Vermillion has made me an Omaha fanatic, and makes everything that happens here seem like HUGE news. i'm used to seeing "City Council Renames Street" as the biggest headline at our lame weekly paper. i was surprised to learn that a teacher and an acquaintence were found dead last week in either a suicide-murder or double murder. how completely odd is that? i also did not realize that a soldier from LaVista had died in Iraq about a week ago. He is the first solider to die from the Omaha metro. I was wondering why our country station was playin so much patriotic music, although I was enjoying it, and then at station break the DJ said the music was being played at the family's request during his funeral procession. Sounds like he was a heck of a good guy. A good American. And he died the same day his son was born. How ironic. He died without knowing his son had been born. Sometimes life doesn't make sense.

I saw two teachers today, which was fun. I actually need to go put in some laundry, and call Rich in about an hour and a half. We're supposed to watch some movies tonight. I was going to pick him up at 6, but now he wants me to pick him up at 5 and he needs to be at church by 7. We were supposed to pick out the movies together, but now it's looking like it will be a movie and that I better pick it out before I come, or we won't finish it. Should still be fun though. Hope I hear from Jeff and Joe.

Anyways, guess I'm out for now. Take care.

Erin

today. tomorrow. then home ...

can't come soon enough.

so i'm sittin here. i'ts 10:20 pm, and i have quite a bit of energy, comparatively. probably doesn't help that i've only been up since 1 pm. but it didn't help that situation that i didn't get to sleep until 3 a.m. cuz of all the racket my roomie was making.

so anyways, i'm listening to CMT top 10 country songs ever. i'm thinkin about turning it off, and turning on some Rascal Flatts. i'm not a real fan of classic or old school country, but i am a fan of most contemporary country. anyways, i have an 8 am class tomorrow. i'll probably go because i want to see where my grade stands. between the class and my 11, i have to do some calling around and research for two articles due that afternoon, as well as practice my speech i have to give in my 11 am class. then there's basic newswriting ... and i should get out of early of that one. i like that class - it's not very serious. then there is astronomy, where i'll probably find out my test grade. yikes. he made it sound like we didn't do too good, and the test was a booger, despite the fact that it was open book. then i have to see what i can get together for my articles, volante meeting, shoot basketball at the armory and probably some night shots, and yeah. if i can get through tomorrow, that will be very good. i also need to pay my tickets and transfer my magazine subscriptions. and mail some mail.

tonight i REALLY need to find a very important piece of paper that i cannot find. i need to work on my speech a little more, read some chapters and write a reaction paper that shouldn't be too bad also, i think. so yeah, i'm going to dig up the whole room looking for this paper and pray this time, ppppllllleeeaasssee God, that i find it. then prep for tomorrow and hit the sack maybe around 2 or so. tomorrow is never fun, but once i hit the evening, yeah. friday i really should go to my one class, and figure out what scholarships i should apply for and map out the rest of the semester as far as studying goes. this weekend i just have to bite the bullet and finish up OP and such. Wednesday at 5 i'll be hittin the road to go home!! which i'm excited about. to be hittin the road. to be goin' home. no to be driving in the dark, per se, but yeah. that sunday i'll head back in the afternoon and i'll probably head to SF to see remedy that night. then two weeks of classes, the weekend, finals the week of Dec 13th, the weekend, finals on Monday, Dec 20 and Tuesday, Dec 21. then home the afternoon of the 21. back the afternoon of Monday, Jan 11. YIKES. no please don't tell me this whole rat race starts all over again. please, no.

well i was going to write something really cool, maybe, but i can't think of what that would be. i really just need to turn on my music and really work on finding that paper. man. i've been really bummed out and upset and not content lately, what's new, but all i can say is God provides so much comfort when i just let Him.

*sighs* here we go. Lord be with me.

some people, some relationships make you wish you could go back to the days when you first met, when you both first had your masks on.

maybe that's not a good sign.

I just logged into my old diary, and read my old entries. From high school. The end of high school. Graduating, getting my first "real" job. My first internship. My drivers license. Gettin ready for college.

Then reading my entries since I've been here, everything's seems so ... unfufilling. It seems that, even five and a half months ago, everything was so fresh and promising. This summer was wonderful, but I think all the work jaded me. And here I am.

I can't stand myself these days. You know, people talk about how impatient our culture is. How it will lead to our downfall. My generation can't wait. We need satisfaction - we need it now. We can't make long term investments. We can't sacrifice. We need sex now love now money now fulfillment now but if we truly want later, we can't have all of the former. Anyhow, that's partially a rant on MTV. I can't stand to watch these ... guys ... sit there on the Real World and say "I need some love now. I'm sexually frustrated. If I don't get some soon, I'm going to explode! It's been TWO MONTHS."

Um, for some people, it's been 18 years. Or more.

Anyhow, that's really beside the point, like a lot of things I say and do. I'm finally sitting down to write. I'm not really thinking about what I'm writing, because I have music on. Because I can't stand silence. Because when it's silent, I can hear myself thing. My heart beat. Myself breathe. You know that whole "Be still, and know that I am God" thing? Yeah, never, really never quite got there. I put things off for years because I'm so afraid of failure, or pain, or hardship. I can hardly read or study because I'm so antsy - all I can do is skim.

Here, I'm trying to figure out who/what people think I am. People think I'm a prude. Something I almost wish I was. I may be compared to them, but they don't realize just how messed up and not prudish I can be. I think they think I'm odd. Maybe I am.

I think I'm selfconscious.

I think I haven't been to church in about 6 months.

Alright, I know.

I think I'm lonely. I'm pretty sure that's true. And I have some good friends. But like my mom said, I seem to keep them at arm's length.

I have a very hard time getting out.

I have a hard time loving other people.

Sometimes I wonder if I live in a different reality.

I spent a lot of my time trying not to think.

I'm trying to be who my scholarship wants me to be. Who my internships want me to be.

But I'm not a career newspaper man. I'm a woman, first of all, and I don't want to be the jaded, cigar smokin 50 year old cynical editor. No, I won't spend my whole life at a bureau. And I'll never be the cheif. Because I never want to be.

I need to realize I love journalism, but I don't have to be ... conventional. I don't, I shouldn't be what everyone else wants me to be.

That may mean taking a risk - taking the narrow road. The high road, even.

I need to stop looking for validation from anyone but my Audience of One.

If I have all the answers, I need to stop waiting.

Or maybe I don't have all the answers, but I know the one Who does.

Cliches.

Maybe that's all I need.

Maybe I'm scared, because if I start thinking, life could become hard.

But like John Mayer croons, deep down I'm afraid of a verdictless life.

I'm tired of getting by, getting through.

I'm tired of living for other people, holding myself to a standard of perfection and crying bitterly over and over, feeling like I'm letting everyone down.

Country music seems to put things in perspective - at least for 3.5 mins.

All I know is ... one day, one time awhile back, I think some people thought I was someone. Whether or not I was that someone, well I don't know. But who they thought I was - she was alright. Never good enough, ever.

But she was better than who I am now. Who in the heck am I now?

It's hard to believe that a week ago tomorrow I was flying in a Navajo Piper and headin' back for Omaha. That was a crazy incredible day. This week has just flown by. Yesterday was really my last day of classes, because I had one today, none tomorrow because of the holiday (a very important one, I might add) and one I may or may not go to on Friday. Next week will be full, no doubt, but the next week will be the same deal: 1 or 2 classes Monday (depending on how many I go to, lol), full day Tuesday, 1 or 2 Wednesday and then I'm back to Omaha! Which is good. I miss it as always. It's always this cycle ... yay Omaha ... OH MY GOSH I'M LEAVING FOR OMAHA ... I LOVE OMAHA! ... I have to go back soon ... I'm back ... Gosh I HATE it here ... I am NOT supposed to be here ... I'M MOVING ... complacency ... Omaha will be here again soon ... how many days till Omaha? Rinse. Repeat. The whole nine yards.

At 1 a.m., Disney Channel programming goes down the tubes.

I just saw a Fleetwood Mac clip on TV. I need to write Howe tomorrow. And Lauren. And Joe. And mom. And Dan.

Do I or do I not want to hear of Arafat rehash all night?

CNN late night lacks, majorly.

I am 18. I am a Christian. I am a Diabetic. I am a journalist. I am spunky. I am driven. I am down. I am aimless. I'm addicted to Lizzie McGuire. I watch the Disney Channel to unwind. I occasionally watch FOX News - I'll admit it. I prefer MSNBC over CNN. I watch CMT and Court TV. I listen to the Backstreet Boys and American Idol vote-offs who've branched into the field of country music. I wear ridiculously long earrings.

There you go. That's me. At least in part.

I want to go home.

Country artists produce charming songs.

such as "I'll Take That As A Yes"  by Phil Vassar

not such as "Breathe" by Faith Hill

yes, I am watching CMT.

Faith, get some clothes on and quit wigglin your hands around.

So this weekend was awesome. Weekends in Omaha used to be nothing special ... they almost sucked. But then again I really didn't get out a lot. Now the few times I come back, I'm constantly busy and I guess that's good.

Friday I followed my parents back, and then we went out for Applebees and Maggie Moos. Then mom took me to Gordmans for some new clothes, and I got to talk to the cutie who was lookin for an apartment (with his girlfriend, ugh) when I last saw him in early August. It's always good to sleep in my water bed. Saturday I got up, got my flu shot and some prescriptions at the doc's, went shopping for more new clothes and such, drove out to the Gordmans in Bellevue, picked Morgan up from West, went shopping @ WalMart with Mandy, got some hot, new boots, got all dolled up, went to babysit the girls for a bit and then went downtown to the Flux for an opening. I really, really am not an art gallery girl, but I always find something new to think about there, and it's always super interesting. Just a way different atmosphere. I am IN LOVE with downtown/river front/old market. It's just the neatest place. It's cool to hear J talk about art too ... he's always got so much passion and insight and humor. I saw some WHS kiddos, and T from the Pendrell campaign, which was crazy. I said I'd come back the next day. So I came home, slept in a bit Sunday, got ready, picked up some treats at Walgreens, met J and had Subway and chatted and met a colleague of his who's studying journalism and religious studies at UNO. Way cool. I'll need to be watchin' for his stuff in the Gateway. Anyways, the convo with J was completely eye opening and reassuring. Sometimes you just need to realize, in the midst of the crowd, you're not the only one and you and your beliefs are valid.

Country music is good for the soul, lol.

So anyways, booked it 90 back to Verm in about an hour 45, which was CRAZY. lol. Got back and was depressed as heck. Lol. Not really. But being here makes me realize how much I love downtown, don't necessarily love the OWH or the burbs ... but yeah. I don't know. Things are OK here, but I just really feel like I completely haven't found my nitch, and I'm almost dubious that there is one for me. My profession is tireless. While other kids are drinkin beer and partyin all the time (which I wouldn't wanna be doin anyways) I'm studying/working. Period. And I'm very grateful, though not as grateful as I should be. I should be so much more so. There are individuals my age starving, dying, who'd kill for a chance to live their dream ... and I whine while I'm here on a virtual full ride living mine. But am I? I can't let other people decide for me. And I can't decide for myself. God needs to decide. Journalism is the field for me - but what I do with it?

I feel like I'm beginning to understand more. I feel like a different person. I feel like I'm waking up from a long sleep, realizing the core of what I held to before I fell was true, but in every application I was wrong. And now I'm trying to shake this all off. And there's a whole world I don't realize. I don't know.

People change and I want to change for the better.

I talked to Erin and Maryanne today, which was awesome.

It was so funny last night - I watched "Raven" "break up" "with her boyfriend" (lol) which ... it's just crazy that I watch the Disney channel ... haha but anyways ... I just realized how I haven't been crazy for someone, and hardly even infatuated ... in SUCH a long time. It's good. I have so much to figure out and relearn in that area anyways. But I've pretty much forgotten how it's like.

Is that really best?

i'm physically back here in vermillion, but my mind is back in Omaha.

HOW many days until Omaha again?

I'm sitting here @ the UBREW about a quarter till 10 on election day. It's barely even 10 and it already feels like it's been a long, long night. A long, long week. And a long, long day. Argh. It's great covering the elction, but I feel like I'd rather be in SF vs. Vermillion. Truthfully, though, it doesn't matter where you are right now - you're either waiting or you're jib jabbering on a cable news channel. The connection is slow, so I'm going to go. More later.

:arrow: EVERYBODY VOTE VALUES :arrow: