when i was in high school, ALL i wanted to do is go to college.

now that i'm in college, ALL i want to go is go back. nearly anytime in my life would be fine. almost everything seems rosey.

i just want to be anywhere but here, doing anything but this. don't know if i'd be satisifed or not, but the grass is always greener on the other side.

geeze no one likes the songs i like.

but if you're in the mood for an amazing song anyways, go to http://www.quartusonline.com/music.html" title="http://www.quartusonline.com/music.html" target="_blank"http://www.quartusonline.com/... and listen to when i'm comin home.

If a day is what you make it, then maybe a day can be what you remember.

And if a day is what you remember, surely you can choose what to and what not to remember.

And if this is all true, I'll forget the bad, and remember that today was the day sam and i went skipping in the leaves and ran till we were out of breath.

And then i realize i really like the concept, and decide i'll apply it to the whole week. So i'll forget everything before Wednesday morning and after 5 pm today.

Back to reality.

i'm in one of those terrible states of complacency. i could go to bed, but i've got SO much to do and i'm not tired anyhow. what would that help? i've got so much to do, but i abhor all of it. i tell myself just to bite my lip and do it and forget how much i don't want to ... but there's always something i find to distract myself with. great.

i heard on Fox News @ 1:30 AM that Chris Reeves died. how unexpected and sad. he had plans for yesterday and today and ... other long-term plans. so do i. just goes to show how any of us could be gone in a heartbeat.

i need to find purpose again.

man, this entry is over already. guess i have to get back to work. *sighs*

I'm sitting here listenin' to Josh Gracin's "I Wanna Live" while I dwaddle on this three day weekend. Four, really, because Fridays don't really count. It's that and Switchfoot - everytime I listen to those songs I just want my life to be so much more. I'm burnt out. It's wake up and think "I HATE today" and pull my butt out of bed just in time to do what I need to do, stay up late fighting complacency ... always something to do, always something overdue, and the only fun things I do are require things that happen to be fun. I wanna scale back, but I always open my dumb mouth. Too busy to find the time to prioritize and get started on what I really wanna do with my life. And if I'm not doing "enough" ... well I can't take that. But I can't this. I wish I had some more friends here, but it's all my fault. I need to get out and study in the library or something ... make time for church and bible study ... call some ppl back. But sometimes I just like crawling into my shell. Don't ask me where all this will make me end up. I just don't know.

Listen to High School by Epic Hero and Vienna Waits by Billy Joel. Mix the two and that's the state I'm in.

let me tell you, it's good to get out

very good

tonight i went to an SPJ meeting @ 6 in the newsroom, which turned out not to be much. vondo needed someone to cover this dude playin @ the U. Brew for Verve, so i decided i would. turned out to be awesome! these two guys from chicago played that have regular jobs @ the chicago house of blues. they were like john mayer meets jason mraz meets dave mathrews meets aero smith (to a lesser extent, haha). anyways cool guys cool music and they crowd really loved them. interviewed the guys afterwards, and one gave me a CD for coverin the concert. it rocked! before that sam and i got mcD's to go, and after that summer and i walked home and had a blast. after that i finished the floor newsletter and tapped it up on everyone's doors.

before i go to bed, i have a few, demons to kill, so to speak. a little house cleaning i've put off far too long. actually, literally and figuatively, but those are two seperate issues, lol. anyways, so i REALLY need to get that done, no matter how tired i'll be. i've been gettin more sleep, but it's just not helpin'.

what i've learned so far: i need to study more. outside of my room. quality, not quantity. and get out more.

so tonight i have that to do, while listenin' to this cd. that and get my ducks in a row for tomorrow. tomorrow i have two - three articles to whip up with additional sources. yay. anyways, classes too of course. SPJ @ 4:30, Volante @ 5. oh, and 2 pics to fix and submit, and a roll to shoot, develop and send in before the end of the night. i WAY hope it'll be to cloudy to get lost @ a mandantory star gaze, so i'll be able to go to the two bible studies. once all the craziness of Thursday is over, we'll be good! Friday is a one-class day and so it's really a four day weekend with Monday off.

trust me, i need it.

more l8ter i'm sure.

Since Thursday, I have done many awesome things, including:

1) Attended an exclusive cocktail party and the house of the president of the university

2) Schmoozed with Al Neuharth and Don Hewitt

3) Witnessed a history-making statement by Hewitt regarding "Rathergate"

4) Attended a late, late night steak dinner with some awesome newspaper staffers

5) Given a friend a tour of the campus

6) Eaten at a mall in Sewer (ahem, Sioux) City

7) Slept at home Friday, Saturday, and soon to be Sunday nights

8) Actually did some reading in my newswriting textbook and found it to be extremely beneficial

9) Babysat the world's funnest 12 year old boy who likes to look through photo albums, decorate his room, eat pizza, play basketball, string lights on the basketball hoop with two extension cords into the house, play pool, lift weights and all that crazy stuff

10) Watched 13 Going On 30 and Mean Girls with my parents

11) Really worked on a newstory and really enjoyed it for the first time in a long time because I wasn't staring down the barrel of a gun, so to speak

And I'm leaving at about 5 am tomorrow to go back ... and catch my 9 am class. I probably won't be home until Thanksgiving. Which sucks. But I'm dreading everything a little less because I know I have to set priorities. And get what I want and need. Out of this life that is ... mine ... and yet it never was.

"Slow down, you crazy child
you're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart, tell me
Why are you still so afraid?

Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
You'd better cool it off before you burn it out
You've got so much to do and
Only so many hours in a day

But you know that when the truth is told..
That you can get what you want or you get old
You're gonna kick off before you even
Get halfway through
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you're doing fine
You can't be everything you want to be
Before your time
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight
Tonight,...
Too bad but it's the life you lead
you're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong, you know
You can't always see when you're right. you're right

You've got your passion, you've got your pride
but don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you crazy child
and take the phone off the hook and disappear for awhile
it's all right, you can afford to lose a day or two
When will you realize,..Vienna waits for you?
And you know that when the truth is told
that you can get what you want or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get half through
Why don't you realize,. Vienna waits for you
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?"

I should have known it was a Billy Joel song.

Ergh. It sucks to wake up and realize you're the person you don't want to be. I don't take time to think. I just rush through life, and sometimes I wake up wishing I was ANYWHERE else doing ANYTHING else. Your first thought waking up shouldn't be, "God I hate EVERYTHING about today!" now, should it be?

I need to tie up loose ends in a hurry - cut it quick; quit procrastinating. Find out what really matters - and I know - and pursue it. What's really going to fulfill me, get me somewhere? Finish that portfolio. Study more. Look into grad schools. Pitch that column. Dream a little more. Take a risk. Less stories, better stories? If newspaper isn't hacking it, do something different. Don't wait for others to get on the boat. Build that website. Make an INVESTMENT.

I have a hard time making investments. I want quick pay; I want everything now. And it costs, whereas investments pay off - just not now.

I really have to learn how to study. It's pretty crazy, I tell ya.

Anyhow ... I just signed on and this old friend I haven't talked to in awhile, well, I've been watching her screename change from "So and so" to "Such and such's So and so!" to "Such and such's fiancee" to "So Such!" Ew! Ok, so a guy would be nice, but not at the expense of acting like THAT, lol!

I've come to realize, and this could quite possibly be premature, being that I'm only one month into my college career, that maybe I won't marry or there's a good chance I won't find who I'm going to marry at college. But that's ok. I'm just not seeing anyone. But then again, I could use to get out some more.

This week I am def. going to Bible study. And to the grad school fair. And maybe I should go to the Honors Program program, and to the marshmellow roast. Maybe I should doll up some more. And not take it as fact that certain ministries are as good as trash - especially when the advice comes from people I wouldn't trust with my pet fish. Walk a little more. Check out the gym. Be gracious and call and write people back. Really dive into something. Quality, not quantity.

I want to find a really good friend at college. I have one, but I think I'm getting a little attached. Lol. It's not like we can scrapbook together or anything. At first I wanted to make this person into, like, a best girlfriend, but then I realized, considering, it wasn't going to happen. That would take too drastic of a transformation, LOL. And then once every three months or so I get dilusional. It's silly.

This computer is so FULL of adware it's ridiculous!

Hmmmm ...

Anyways, someone asked me if I was going to church tomorrow and I said yes, so I feel like I have to go now. Wooo hooo. I don't really have any friends there, so it's kind of like ... dude, I can't sit with my parents, but dude ... if I go sit alone, someone will suck me into their warped sorority and haze me ... and there really isn't anyone "safe" to sit with. The only safe person moved, lol!

When you eat poprocks, you can't help but smile. :-D :-P :-)

But anyways, maybe I'll sit with my parents - far enough away to be, well, far away but close enough to have an excuse to stay.

Hm.

And go get my hair cut during Sunday School.

Hm I think I'll go search on how to study, a new hairstyle and grad programs.

Internships, anyone?

Need to check out that binder this week.

Anyways, I want to smile more.

:)

POPROCKS POPROCKS POPROCKS.

It's weird to be home, and to have your parents like, really appreciate their time with you and vise versa and to get a little closer. Yeah, it's weird. And for them to realize you're more of a big girl now and start respecting you more.

Yeah, it's weird.

'Night, whoever reads this.