Well, I'm back in from Omaha. There is some stuff I need to do, but I've decided that it can wait until tomorrow. I don't really want to do it anyways, and I'm dedicating tonight to getting my ducks into a row.
If I'm devoting quite a bit of time to something I don't really like, why am I still doing it?
Sometimes I don't get myself.
Anyways, Omaha was a good time. I came home Friday and I was SO excited to be coming home. We went to see grandma that night, then went shoping at Super WalMart in Bellevue. I stayed up late ... the next day I slept in, got my glasses fixed, painted my face red for the USD/UNO game, went to see the girls @ the salon, went to the bank, went to Taco Bell, went to the game, went home, washed my face. I got laughed at so much that day, lol! I changed clothes, hung out with the Neal girls, came back and hung out with my parents for the rest of the night after I did a bit more shopping.
Today I slept in, got packed back up, and drove back up here with my parents. I accidently left my dome light on, so the car was dead. Ooops. Dad jumped it. Got everything back up here, and tonight I need to strategically place everything so that my roomie can't find it. She will though. She digs through my stuff and uses a ton of it, which REALLY bothers me. I'm all for sharing, but she steals my stuff too. So far I haven't said anything, but if she comes home tonight, we're going to have a talk and if she doesn't come home before my 9am class tomorrow, then I'll leave her a note and we'll have a talk when she gets back. I hope I don't explode but I hope I don't back down.
I enjoyed having seemingly limitless food on my hands at home.
I really am very blessed.
Lately I seem to be turning into the person I never wanted to be ...
This situation doesn't help.
Anyways I'm done musing for the night.
Why does everything have to be so extremely frustrating?
Why would I not tell You the truth When I see You're tired of the lying To walk away is killing You I tell myself what I know is not true I read Your lips As we parted ways And I say to myself Never again will I be ashamed
No longer, no longer Will I sit back And watch the world slowly slip away No longer, no longer Do I have anything to lose Worth more than what You've given me
I strained my voice Whispering truth From the books I read And other people's views But at the end of the day What difference does it make It's time I took my mind off me
I'm reaching up You're reaching in I'm gonna reach out now
Sometimes it just takes one little conversation to realize everything you've been chasing is the last thing you wanted, and everything you've been running away from is all you'll ever need.
Just sitting here, procrastinating as usual. Seriously, tonight I need to edit my three Volante articles and get them off, and also get the other OP articles done and sent off. Be up early tomorrow and cover the Dakota Wine Festival for PT, and then get my ducks in a row for the rest of the week. By the end of this weekend I need to HAVE STUDIED, have Jolkowski transcribed and done and sent off, have McFayden transcribed and a good idea of what I'm doing with it, have emailed PP and yeah ... stuff.
So I'm sitting here thinking about what I wrote, last weekend I think it was. About the relationships I regret. Well, reget may be the wrong word. Do I regret putting the people before God? I hope so. Do I regret how many of them ended? Yeah, for sure. But I was thinking about the good times, and wishing things could just be OK. Maybe sometimes I don't let things be OK. Maybe I'm just getting lonely. Maybe I really shouldn't be writing all this? Do I write because I must? Hmmm ... maybe in a compulsion kind of way, sure. Lol.
I'm totally into coupon clipping now.
I've seriously got like a bajillion stories now. And I need to keepmy GPA up. So far so good I think, but we really haven't done much that's graded. haha.
Well, not much is new. I have a meeting in less than an hour, homework for tomorrow, an 8 am class tomorrow, four articles due tomorrow, etc. my prescriptions are newly hidden from my roomie, who woke me up at 3 a.m. demanding to use my computer.
So I've reached 300 visitors! Woo hoo! I wonder who they all are. I check my counter and it says I have regulars from Florida, Texas, Penn State, Cali, Omaha, Virginia ... who are yall?! Give me a shoutout so I can get to know a little about you, or shout ya back if I know you. :)
Things others should learn while at college:
1) Just because we agree that we can borrow each others clothes (which we don't) and we share the occasional poptart DOESN'T mean you can use my acne med and pain pills, drink excessive amounts of my water, demand use to my computer, and answer my cell while I'm in the shower and then NOT TELL ME YOU ANSWERED IT. Man, for all I know she's using my cell while I'm in the shower. Unfortunately, there isn't a lock box big enough for all my stuff. Whatever is left out I'm sure gets used.
2) Never, EVER ask me where the laundry basket is and then throw all your dirty stuff in there. I do my laundry, not yours.
3) If I don't eat dinner with you because I need to eat at the hall where most of my meal plan bucks are, DON'T suggest I change my meal plan and tell me to eat less. You suck. Ok, not you. But someone.
4) Don't hold habitual floor meetings with dumpy icebreakers. No one is interested, and we only get cheesed off at each other. Leave us alone.
Am I grumpy? YES. Am I extremely discontent and !@$?#$@?!? YES! That link doesn't go anywhere, so everyone knows.
Such a change in attitude ...
Such a change since last night ...
Wishful thinking ...
-30-
Other things that are ticking me off: (this may be a night-long list)
1) My roomie decides it's ok to rinse dishes, but not wash them. Consequently, I now have no idea what's clean and what's dirty. Which means, should I want to use a dish, I must wash it first. BUT WAIT! She lost my dishwashing brush. Oops. Guess what's getting locked up? Um, yeah. She's always using my Spiderman dishes too. I haven't even eaten out of them yet.
2) I have a cousin, who, I guess, hates my guts. He was supposed to call me, see me, IM me ... never does. Whatever.
3) Probably all the things I hate in other people that I see in myself but we won't go there ...
4) How I habitually make myself WAY too busy. What's up with that?
I wish you all could have been here Sunday. It was beautiful. First of all, I woke up and it was storming. How cool is that?! The rest of the day the sky was either pretty agitated or this beautiful dichotomy of sun and deep, angry blue ... of palpable humidity and cool breeze. It rocked. I absolutely love driving around the perimiter of Vermillion. There's the "college" part of Vermillion with it's modern conveniences and it's classic campus district with tree-lined sidewalks, gardens and old buildings ... the rural outskirts ... the historic district ... the lower class residential, the upper class residential ... and then there's just ... the outskirts. I can't even describe. Fence posts, churches, land and highways ... the occasional mortuary and dentist ... and then you have the choice to drive away or turn back into college town. And you do what you must. Anyways, it's really great. I realized that as much as I dog it, I'm a midwestern girl at heart. To you, your hometown will always be the greatest. But let me tell you, mine will always be the best. :)
Today the rents and my sis came down. We ate out for the billionth time at the chinese buffett katty korner from my dorm, and then I took them on a walking tour of the college district of Vermillion and the historic district. I did plenty of walking today. After they left I went walking to the National Music Museum to take pictures of the fountain, which wasn't on. Evidently the inmates were grouting it out, according to Sam. Those guys need to go back to Yankton. They seriously have no supervision and they creep me out a lot of the times. Anyways, another student was there and we climbed all over the fountain, hanging on to the figures and leaning back to get the right shot ... moving our hands, readjusting and praying we didn't fall back and crack our heads open on the cement. Good times. I actually think he used me in a few of his pics though, and if I find out he did tomorrow when they're up on the projector in class, I'll kill him! Lol. Just kidding.
You pretend like you're immortal.
Haha.
This Switchfoot CD I won is incredible.
Anyways, I walked to develop the pics, walked back to the dorm, drove back to get the pics, came back ... passed time doing something THERE'S SO MUCH I NEED TO GET DONE ... ate dinner ... fielded my roomie's calls the rest of the night ... hmm what have I been doing?
Every moments brings us closer.
Is what I'm living for worth dying for?
What about you?
Let me know. I could use some encouragement.
Well, I got my planner out. Filled it with classes, career fairs, Volante happenings and to-dos. I also filled it with Christian fellowship activities. We'll see if I can keep up with all of them. I hope they're quality.
A guy just called witha 402 for my roomie. I was so excited. I'm so hesitant to let people in though. But hey, his buddy just called and said they were late comin back into town because they were pulled over comin' in. Can't be good. Unless they were just speeding. :) haha.
Part of what makes driving around here so awesome is the radio station. Plus rolling my windows down. :D It's a great station. Not a lot of commercials ... and it usually goes something like CrazyTown, contemporary Janet, Modest Mouse, Matchbox 20, Seether, LFO, Switchfoot and back again. Basically all the quality songs that don't get played a lot anymore to the very popular stuff. They also throw in some Usher, which I'm a big fan of.
I have some stuff I just HAVE to do tomorrow, which I'm going to schedule myself in for and PRAY I just have the willpower to do it. I've shoved this stuff off for so long, and it just HAS to be done by Wednesday evening. I'm putting my foot down. YIKES!
Erin, you can't do everything.
Beautiful letdown.
Did I mentioned I got my 2nd worst sunburn of the summer?
Can't wait to the Husker game on TV this weekend!
So tomorrow ... classes ... Omaha Publications ... Prairie Publications ... Volante ... studying ... fellowship ... sell CDs to get some much-needed cash ... return A Walk To Remember so it doesn't get charged to my credit card ...
That's the last thing I need.
Someone drop me a line. I'm in need of a connection.
"I want to cry like the rain, cry like the rain, And shine like the sun on a beautiful mornin'. Sing to the heavens like a church bell ringin', Fight with the devil and go down swingin'. Fly like a bird, roll like a stone, Love like I ain't afraid to be alone. Take everything that this world has to give: I wanna live."
Things which have struck me about the college life:
*The other day, in the shower, I accidently squeezed out WAY too much body gel. At home? I would have simply washed it down the drain. On a budget at college? I worked for 5 minutes to shove the goopey stuff back into the little hole it came from. Yeah, you're welcome.
*If you go to bed at midnight, it actually makes sense that you'll wake up sometime around noon. You're not really sleeping in all that late, considering the time you went to bed. And should you wake up around noon, you've missed brunch on the weekends and breakfast on the weekdays, as well as one to three classes, lol. But don't worry, I haven't missed a class yet. Just honors and library orientation. Ooops!
*Cafeterias may pride themselves on having a large selection of food, but that selection is largely recycled. For instance: white rice on Tuesday magically becomes California rice on Wednesday, with just a slightly stiffer consistancy. Au Gratin rice magically pops up on Thursday, and by then it just plain-old tastes old. It also may seem quite magnificent that endless squares of chocolate cake are avaliable for the taking, but when fewer and fewer squares are avaliable of the same cake throughout the week, and upon biting into them you notice the batch seems tougher, you're probably eating the cake that wasn't eaten earlier in the week.
*On a related note: should the university have a "FREE" bbq, they will undoubtedly take the time and effort to string a cable outside so they can swipe your student ID and charge you 7 "flex bux" for the meal. The leftover cookies will be served in the cafeteria, and the leftover sandwhiches will be bagged and sold in the convenience store throughout the next week. Trouble is, they won't sell. But it's all good. Because they don't charge you "flexible bucks", they charge you "flex bux." This makes all the difference.
*Why does everyone always think I say my name is Ann and not Erin on the phone? EVERYONE does! Silly people.
*Almost everywhere I go, I see myself looking, thinking, "Where are you?" Well, you're most certainly here, you know. You have to be. HOW many people find their mate at college? A lot. How many find their mate within the first week of their freshman year? Not so many. I guess it's just confusing. I need to take my mind off it, because Lord knows I am so UNREADY for a relationship right now. I simply couldn't handle it. You have to fully know who you are, have a much steadier relationship with God than I do and be a lot more selfless than I am to be ready for a relationship. And it's probably a blessing that I haven't found anyone, and probably won't find anyone for a long time, if ever. If I did find someone, I wouldn't be ready and it would be even more heartbreaking. I remember, about two and a half years ago when I broke up with my last boyfriend (rather, he broke up with me), thinking, 'How am I supposed to live without someone to share my life with?' Clearly my thinking was off; Where was God in the equation? Through the years I realized, supposedly that life could be just as fufilling, and I found all these othe people ... that meant a lot to me. Whom I idolized, and cared for deeply ... but honestly, a lot of the caring was probably ... because they cared for me. I completely put them before God. But God wasn't out of the equation ... He was the basis of the relationships, through I put individuals before Him. I used God, you could say, and you would be right. There was the guy who told me I was the only girl he felt comfortable discussing God with - that I actually brought him closer to God. I loved this stuff. And we were really tight ... until someone else came along and I expanded my circle. And he got a girlfriend. And then sided with this whole group of individuals who decided it's better to attack and accuse than think clearly. And there was another guy ... come to think of it, I truly just broke off a piece of my heart and handed it to him. He meant well, I believe, and related to me, but certainly held back. And just recently I've found myself, sitting here, wondering how HE, this person ... who was always sooo perfect to me, could act like this and think it's alright. There were others ... they came and with. There was the girl who told me we could be accountability partners. I absolutely went home that night feeling like I'd won the Boston Marathon or something. My sole joy came out of relationships, and to a large extent, it still does. I am flawed in the emphasis put on these relationships. Where's God in this equation? Later on she'd stab me in the back and bring a few friends along too. Lately I've realized that, over the past two and a half years, there have been SO many people I've held SO dear. In my twisted definition of love, which may not appear twisted from the outside but in my heart of hearts I know it is ... these people ... all but one is gone. The relationship with the one hasn't been spotless, of course, because we're human, but I'm very grateful to that person for their act of truly looking out for me and caring for me. And then I think of the times when, even if no one else ever knows, in my heart I twisted things ... And then I think about how time seperates people ... And though this fact doesn't diminish the relationship, I don't see this person often anymore. And I won't. And I find myself taking what I've learned from this person and making decisions based on past advice ... And then I think, where is God in this equation? He's in their equation. That's why this person has remained in my life. Where is He in mine, though? They say people will ALWAYS fail you, ALWAYS let you down ... and I didn't believe it and I collected them like tokens and broke off little pieces of my heart my money my time my affection and I sit here ... and realize only one of them is left out of the many. Where is God in this equation? And what in the world does this have to do with what I started typing about? It has to do with one thing: when, and if I ever do find someone ... if God is ever pleased to bring someone in my life ... this person must believe in forgiveness. My heart must first be changed, and I must be willing to offer the same kind of forgiveness I will need. My heart will break if I'm not in the position where it is necessary for me to offer it. Because I am so undeserving. It's a wonder there's anything left of me. I've given so much away. For the wrong reasons. I will have heart-breaking confessions, and I'm not even sure I'm capable of making these confessions to someone. I'm not even sure I could write them out, or paint them or ... anything, no less say them, even whisper them.
I had a lot of other awesome points, but I've lost them throught the week. I'm kinda in the mindset that no one reads this anymore, but someone does evidently. I guess I thrive off ... oh, what's the word ... recognition? Yes, recognition.
The longer I'm here, the more I loose track of das and events. Days and dates get scrambled. I must get organized. And quit procrastinating. And get some food. My stomach is about to ... cry. haha.
Oh, and the most important thing I've learned, not necessarily even related to this college:
*There are times when you don't need wise words. Or tired advice. Or a Bible verse flippantly thrown in your face. There are times when all you need is someone to let you know, simply, that they truly understand.
